Midlife Musings: A conversation with Pascal Michael

As part of the Certificate in Psychedelics, Altered States, and Transpersonal Psychology at the Alef Trust, students regularly post short pieces about related topics, with some response from our instructors. I thought it might be worth sharing a recent lighthearted yet scholarly exchange between Pascal Michael and me.

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Joelle's Original Post:

“Once in a while you get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right” “Scarlet Begonias”, The Grateful Dead

Jung and other psychologists identify midlife (~ our 40s) as a period of evaluating what we created in the first half of our lives with the intention of designing a more genuinely satisfying second half of our lives. Erikson, for example, frames this as the tension between stagnation and generativity. Psychedelic and other transpersonal experiences can provide new perspectives and access to previously unconscious aspects of ourselves; when we integrate these insights, we have an opportunity to review the first half of our lives and transform into a new version of ourselves in the second half.

First, “self-transcendent perspectives” (Kähönen, 2023) can result from psychedelic and other transpersonal experiences. For example, we may see patterns in our behavior and relationships, get a glimpse of how others see us, and observe issues from a “zoomed out” perspective of time or space. When navigating midlife, this change in perspective may offer insight on the first half of our lives, pointing us to what we might like to change or retain for the second half. For example, one of my most useful insights from psychedelic experimentation has been seeing (feeling?) how others perceive my egoic attempts to be heard and protect myself. My “ego death” psychedelic experience has been a central part of my own midlife transformation; I have been able to start practicing assertiveness rather than aggression and accepting the wounded parts of myself and others. These new choices have led to much more peaceful relationships as I begin the second half of my life.

Transpersonal experiences may also offer access to individual or collective unconscious material: “For when an archetype appears in a dream, in a fantasy, or in life, it always brings with it a certain influence or power by virtue of which it either exercises numinous or a fascinating effect, or impels to action” (Jung, 1966, p.70, cited in Papaspyrou 2015). On another psychedelic journey, for instance, I was offered a vision of my friendship group as the characters from the commedia dell’arte, archetypes simply playing our roles in a drama. At midlife, we may want to make a change from these prescribed roles and instead make choices from a place of authenticity to find greater peace. Other unconscious material, such as those parts of ourselves unconsciously pulling the strings, what Jung called shadow parts, may be revealed and integrated. My kundalini awakening experiences, for example, have provided valuable lessons in power, demonstrating where I have my true power has been hiding in the shadow of victimhood, entitlement, and aggression. Owning my authentic power has meant integrating the knowledge that power comes from inner alignment and authenticity, rather than from fleeting external attempts to control myself or others.

While the risks of spiritual bypassing, ego inflation, and challenging experiences should not be dismissed, ethical approaches (Smith and Sisti, 2020) and integration of exceptional experiences, i.e. working through the stages of the exceptional human experience process map (Brown 2000), can result in the experiencer learning to “be, live, serve, fulfill and embody the matter of self, works, and discoveries made along the way (Brown, 2000, p. 88). Midlife offers an excellent opportunity to work with transpersonal experiences to create an aligned, peaceful, truly empowered second act, to undergo “profound transformation of our usual egoic, self-centered existence to some ultimately more satisfying or valuable condition” (Daniels 2005, p. 12).

Joelle

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Pascal's Response

Hey there Joelle,

Thanks for your deep reflections...

I love the Grateful Dead quote ...clearly parallels the whole Jung quote "One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. (The next bit which I usually forget is the funny part! "The latter procedure, however, is disagreeable and therefore not popular")... But it also reminds me of my favourite Cohen lyrics evoking the same sentiment - "There's a crack, a crack in everything. Thats how the light gets in"

As soon as I saw TGD lyric (I've never heard it before, don't particularly like the sound of TGD even if the lyrics resonate), it certainly activated my piloerection reflex! Definitely a line which one can intuit the psychedelic inspiration behind it; the marvellously subtle structure of things in life, the interwoven paradoxes. Not only where the light resides, 'subliminally' under the darkness which I believe you were largely referring - but also in the most seemingly immaterial of things. Seeing the grandeur in the trivial, another psychedelic realisation... I wonder what your thoughts would be on that development near mid-life?

"My life is a walking integration"... - A quote from one of my participants from the challenging psychedelic experiences project (CPEP), after being asked her definition of 'integration'. (Kind of reminds me of something unexpected I said when I was a young teenager, when my dad asked me if I prayed: "I live my life as a continual prayer, Dad")... To your point about you feeling like mid-life could be considered a transpersonal-type experience, and therefore also importantly demanding some integration itself - more & more, I've recently felt that every single experience I have cries out for integration. However 'quotidian' the experience. When your head swims with the implications of each given experience, its asking to be made sense of, where it sits in the grander scheme of your mental schema, and how it can all be brought into alignment. Like a layers of glass which when out of phase are opaque, but when aligned become transparent... "Life is the trip", as I can't help but say... What would you say about this idea, e.g. that if indeed life is the trip, just as with the prototypical trip, in life there are "stairways to heaving" and "miles of clouded hell". Perhaps mid-life is like one of these challenging episodes?

I'm also intrigued by the fact that you have had your own psychedelic experiences, including around mid-life, while endorsing this idea that the Transpersonal can be found within mid-life... How do you think these two things (your trips & mid-life) may become conflated, where for e.g. you may not ever know what your mid-life would look like without said experiences? It may be challenging for some people to see mid-life crises as a transpersonal experience if they've not got any other reference for what a TP experience might look like... Or otherwise, how might the two magnify or help support each other?

I'm also really piqued by your statement that one of the hardest parts of the whole process is needing to grieve your lost selves, whenever you make these kinds of transfigurations. I find this a particularly stunning element. Other folk on the CPEP mention that they grieve their former selves for quite unsurprising reasons; they're now burdened with existential trauma which they were not before. But the stunning part is how subtle it can be. Even if you're entirely grateful for the new person you may have become, perhaps more at peace, perhaps more introspective (whatever it may be) - you still may be radically different from the more ebullient, gregarious person you were (even if that may have been in part driven by a more agitated personality),.. What might you think about the kind of psycho-spiritual trade-off here?

Lastly, I believe Erikson has some ideas about mid-life leading to this urgency to create a legacy for oneself... Do you believe this to be more universal than not? If the legacy is a noble one for the good of subsequent generations, thats certainly one thing! But if you transcend the ego, that can in one fell swoop undermine perhaps a major driving force of the need for legacy. But if one lives contentedly more for oneself, even if in cultivating flourishing in their lives, is there still some self-absorption there? ...

Pascal

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Joelle's Reply

Hi Pascal, 

Thank you for your thoughtful, thorough response to my post, and for stimulating my thinking with your insightful questions. But you never know where those The Dead are going pop up...I thought I didn't love them. And now I do. One of the micro-changes resulting from my midlife period.

'Seeing the grandeur in the trivial, another psychedelic realisation... I wonder what your thoughts would be on that development near mid-life?' A transformative aspect - my mentor Catherine Auman used to tell me that I needed to learn to "tolerate boredom"; my inner 15-year old rolled her eyes and rebelled as much as possible. This summer I created the most boring conditions I could think of (no vacations, in my hometown)...and the gifts are blowing my mind. I've heard recovering addicts talk about this as well: when you take away the swinging ups and downs, it feels boring to be at peace...but then the whole thing gets elevated. It's beautiful. I found myself enjoying making my bed the other day, really grateful for the linen sheets and the size of the bed and how comfy it is and for my ex-husband buying the bed and eventually giving to me. Those kinds of insights only used to come with an altered state...now they are becoming more accessible and appear naturally as I continue to deepen my gratitude practice. 

'"Life is the trip", as I can't help but say... What would you say about this idea, e.g. that if indeed life is the trip, just as with the prototypical trip, in life there are "stairways to heaving" and "miles of clouded hell". Perhaps mid-life is like one of these challenging episodes?' I think that's a beautiful way of putting it. I know you're thinking about challenging experiences quite a bit right now, and I think the same navigation skills apply: create a safe environment, breathe, meet the "real you", keep breathing, surrender to what is, and then breathe some more...know it's temporary and ultimately helpful. As my friend Shiri Godasi says "life is a ceremony": we can choose to be intentional about our setting, mindset, safety, etc every day of our lives. 

'How do you think these two things (your trips & mid-life) may become conflated, where for e.g. you may not ever know what your mid-life would look like without said experiences? It may be challenging for some people to see mid-life crises as a transpersonal experience if theyve not got any other reference for what a TP experience might look like... Or otherwise, how might the two magnify or help support each other?' They are indistinguishable for me: within a period of a couple of years I got divorced, COVID hit, my kundalini was activated, I underwent psychedelic-assisted therapy, perimenopause started properly hitting...it's all tangled up. I don't feel the need to untangle it particularly. I think each aspect also brought specific gifts and lessons. It was a "hot mess" as the kids (used to) say, but the mess is turning into the lightest, coolest version of myself I could imagine. I don't even think it's necessary to persuade others that midlife can be a transpersonal experience - that feels like academic semantics a little. I'm mostly interested in how I can help people navigate and integrate (alchemize) any challenging and/or transformative experience, whatever we want to label it or however people conceptualize it through their own cultural or personal lenses. 

'I'm also really piqued by your statement that one of the hardest parts of the whole process is needing to grieve your lost selves, ... Even if you're entirely grateful for the new person you may have become...you still may be radically different from the more ebullient, gregarious person you were (even if that may have been in part driven by a more agitated personality),.. What might you think about the kind of psychospiritual trade-off here?'  I think unconsciously, this might be the factor that prevents people from really engaging with change: it's scary as f***, honestly. I can remember making the conscious decision to say in that "high highs/low lows" pattern because I was so scared of the potential boredom and really clung to my identity related to "adventure and action". I also see some people glimpse the light, and turn back to hide, not wanting to face themselves, or the changes required to get to the other side. It's also a bit of a surprising kick in the teeth: you go through this dark night of the soul, do the work, breathe, surrender, go to therapy, etc, etc. and it can take ages. It can be quite lonely. And then the light grows stronger than the darker and slowly but surely (and then suddenly) the light truly arrives.  And then you feel sad a little, and it's surprising...and you still have to grieve that former version of you. I'm in that stage right now. In short, at this point in my own journey, I'd say it's worth the price of admission. Catherine Auman also talks about the constant humiliation as we mature psychologically and spiritually...those strong opinions and beliefs that we clung to so fiercely might seem a little embarrassing as we move to a new stage.  

'But if one lives contentedly more for oneself, even if in cultivating flourishing in their lives, is there still some self-absorption there?' Oh boy, I'm really over this "selfishness" business. I'm quite firmly in the "airplane oxygen mask" camp...you simply cannot show up for others if you can't breathe yourself. And there is a "selfishness" required sometimes to get our own house in order...but as the maturity develops, as we "self-actualize" and transcend our egos, the whole project becomes about shining your light to help others. We undergo “profound transformation of our usual egoic, self-centered existence to some ultimately more satisfying or valuable condition” (Daniels 2005, p. 12) or as Ferrer calls it "a gradual transformation from self-centeredness toward a fuller participation in the Mystery of existence” (2001, p. 17). When we show up whole and authentic, we contribute to the betterment of all. 

I look forward to continuing this chat, Pascal!

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The Final Word from Pascal

Hey again Joelle,

As I said before, fascinating & eloquent as always.

I'm still always vexed by this adventuresome-boredom tension when it comes to psychedelics/TP experiences - and how it functions through life. Its quite incredible to me that after such experiences, one's inner cup can runneth wildly over with equanimity...and yet there may still be some psychical kernel inside of us which rails against it - because of the sacrifice it requires. Though paradoxically, since the 'sacrifice' is one that lessens suffering; the only remaining pain is the loss of that which may have caused one strife. Its like the dis-ease of moving on from someone you loved - despite the distress they may have caused you still have a special place for them in your heart... Perhaps this brings out the idea that, if one does not transcend this with courage or acceptance, and is sucked back in - its like a co-dependent relationship!

I myself recall in my early 20s saying to my best friend after he witnessed some manic-like manifestations of a cannabis experience, that I wished to 'be bipolar' - precisely because I felt the only life worth living was the one which inhabited the extremities of emotion & cognition... It didn't take me long to see the sheer, naive romanticism I had for the condition... As you say, for you your TP experiences are blended, but you need not labour over considering mid-life transitions as a TP zone or not. I can readily see how life organically offers us these opportunities for cultivating our garden of serenity, even if at the cost of the wild jungle which was hitherto our playground. Traumatic experiences will certainly do this. As they may fog one's mind, alongside the general neurodevelopmental synaptic pruning and diminishment in neuroplasticity with age - this can appear to, and be labelled by younger people (or indeed our reluctant inner child) as the kind of stagnation which older people may be marred with. But while that may be so on one level - for some, or if approached deftly, these deep challenges can lead to a form of wisdom, perspective and groundedness which can be conflated with such boring stagnation...even by ourselves.

So - I love your sentiment that "it's worth the price of admission".

I also find your observation curious that these kinds of insights which would ordinarily only arrive in altered states were more available to you. In these ASCs, these higher order executive networks (eg DMN etc) would be more disabled, providing that spaciousness of mind. So its immanent availability is testament to its intrinsic nature, how (as you say) if you curate the container for it in life, as you treat life as the trip, or indeed the ceremony - even simply by making the decision, which would actually be an act of these executive networks - you may usher this mode of being out... It may seem paradoxical for these networks to get out of their own way (& I think a touch of Grace is often required), but if you conceive of the brain itself as yet another magical apparatus in the tapestry of this living trip, then the contradiction dissolves.

As a random person I recently met said to me, as I began a spot of Aikido training in Japan... The world is the dojo.

I also love your mentioning of life amounting to some terrible hot mess...only to eventually (& then all of a sudden) settle into the coolest version of yourself. It evokes for me the concept of 'neural annealing' being popularised as an analogy for psychedelic promoted plasticity; just as metal is heated to become malleable whereupon its worked on until setting to its new form, neurons' threshold potential for depolarisation is lowered making for greater flexibility in activity, which must be leveraged in integration to (adaptively) crystalise the new synaptic links...

Lastly, your comment about being firmly in the 'aeroplane oxygen mask camp' (brilliant), just immediately brought up the Boddhisatva. The ones who through their strivings attain Nirvana for themselves...only to consciously elect to not lose themselves to it, but stay turning on that wheel of Samsara for the awakening of others. As to my last sentiment in the prior post - once you can breathe yourself, you could breathe for yourself til Kingdom Come...so the choice to help others 'attend to the breath' as it were is beautiful... Perhaps this is entwined with the Buddhist saying that Nirvana is Samsara, Samsara is Nirvana. There are innumerable opportunities to bring Heaven to Earth, but perhaps only once you've bested those samsaric beasts so they're simply spinning their wheels as one shows the others the exit ;)