The Pitfalls of Psycho-spiritual Superiority

*spoiler alert for seasons 2 and 3 of The Bear*

I love The Bear. I love the vulnerable, flawed characters; I love the attention to the role food plays in our relationships; I love the writing and acting and cinematography. And I really love Ritchie. He's trying so hard...do you relate to his struggle? I sure do.

Ritchie, like many of us, feels alone. And he's trying really hard to be a good person, a good dad, to make amends for the past, to self-actualize and self-transcend through purpose and service (see season 2 episode "Forks").

I also notice that Ritchie throws around "therapy talk" (perhaps he and Tiff went to couples therapy in an effort to save the marriage?). And I cringe every time he weaponizes psychological terms against Carmy, creating more space between them instead of more connection.

In season 2's finale, when in a shouting match with a fridge-bound Carmen (aka Carmy), Ritchie calls him "Donna", Carmy's dysfunctional mom's name. You can see he immediately regrets weaponizing Carmy's traumatic family against him. But it's been said.

The two continue feuding in season 3, with Ritchie once again weaponizing a key relationship against Carmy when he says "Ask Claire if he's crazy"...knowing full well that Carmy is full of guilt and pain over his estrangement from Claire, the love of his life. Once again, a microsecond later, Ritchie regrets what he's said.

The line that really stands out to me is again Ritchie's line to Carmen: "You're not fully integrated. Don't talk to me until you're integrated, jagoff".

This made me laugh and cry at the same time. In the therapy/wellbeing/coaching/psychedelic world, we talk often of "integration", that coming together of all the parts of ourselves. Owning our shadows, befriending our egos. Wholeness and authenticity.

And there is a stage along the path in which we feel superior to those around us who are not doing their psycho-spiritual work, where we feel "integrated" and can see how others around us are operating from a place of childish ego, creating and participating in unnecessary drama.

But...if we are truly integrated, truly healed and whole, and authentic, and peaceful, would we make these judgements? Wouldn't we attend to others with compassion rather than weaponize our newly-gained insights and terminology?

This dangerous stage is part of the reason why, I think, self-help, life-coaching, self-improvement, psychology, and spirituality make some people suspicious. I think we need to be aware of this pitfall on the path.

When we're truly integrated, we will find ways to be of service to those closest to us, not just our clients or students. We'll learn to take a deep breath when our loved ones aren't behaving in the ways we think best or right or easiest for us. We'll love them where they are now, as they are. We'll remember that the only thing we can control is ourselves.

Ritchie loves Carmen so much; he's frustrated that Carmen is self-sabotaging, and in the process, sabotaging the restaurant and relationships that the whole extended family deeply cares about. What if Ritchie approached Carmen with compassion, with softness, with forgiveness, with curiosity? What if Ritchie rose above his own ego and tried to see things from Carmen's perspective? What if Ritchie just gave Carmy a hug? (My god, please someone hug that guy!!)

In my own life I'm looking at the ways in which I've created more disconnection rather than connection by needing to be right or feeling superior. It's humbling, and a little humility goes a long way.