Boundaries: Conscious Safety and Liberation

How do you react to the idea of boundaries? What are boundaries for? What happens when boundaries are breached?

I think boundaries are one of the most misunderstood aspects of self-development (along with "responsibility"). Until recently, I often experienced people who had boundaries as cold or mean or “emotionally unavailable”. I now understand that I felt like that because my own boundaries were weak. I wanted others to validate my worth so much that I violated their boundaries and my own in order to be liked. I did things I did not want to do. I said things I did not mean. I participated in projects I did not really care about. I said “yes” when inside I was screaming “no!”.

As I transform into wholeness, as I integrate my shadow, as I become an adult and tolerate “normal” and grow and transmute pain into wisdom, my boundaries become stronger.

How Do Boundaries Relate to Teaching?

As Maslow teaches us (1954 and beyond), safety plays a foundational role in self-actualization and as Brown teaches us (2015 and beyond) boundaries form an essential part of safety and healthy relationships of all kinds. Lines on the road keep cars from crashing into each other; bars on a crib keep a baby from falling out. Similarly, in teaching, boundaries help students learn safely, learn effectively. Deadlines, word counts, and expectations help students grow...safely.

In my teaching, my boundaries tend to be stronger than they have been in my personal life. It’s easier for me to see that sticking to deadlines is better for students in the long run: if I let people hand things in late too often, they’ll actually have a backlog of work, which is more stressful. Sometimes “good enough” has to do to meet a deadline and that’s okay. We move on and do better next time. Holding to deadlines is also good for ME, the teacher. That alone is good enough reason: I do not need to be a martyr to be a good teacher.

And yet...sometimes I get rigid. I get stuck in what’s “right”, stuck in “the policy in the syllabus says so”.

Sometimes the rules are made to be broken. Sometimes to live my values of compassion and service I have to stick to the rules, even though my students want me to bend them “just this once”. And sometimes I have to bend those rules, break them, and throw them out the window. Discerning which time is which will always be a challenge, but my 20 years of teaching, my inner work and inner voice, and usually my lovely colleagues all help guide me to the right answer.

Boundaries protect us. They protect others. Clear boundaries help relationships flourish. If I stick to my boundaries I am able to best serve all of my students. If I work through the weekend, I am not on my game on Monday. If I meet too many students outside of office hours, I can’t make the college a better place for everyone. If I serve on a project I am not passionate about, I will come to resent it and not be able to offer my best work.

The same goes in our personal lives: boundaries are best for everyone, even when it doesn't always feel that way in the moment. Setting and/or sticking to boundaries can feel uncomfortable: Will they still like me? Am I being mean/selfish? What will others think of me? Boundaries take vulnerability and courage. And practice. Lots and lots of practice...

So What?

Where are your boundaries in need of strengthening for the good of all in the long run?

• Where are you saying "yes" when you really mean "no"?

• Where are you betraying yourself: your values, your beliefs?

• What is the worst that can happen if you set a boundary? What is the best that can happen?

• What information might you get about others and yourself if you set and maintain a boundary?

• Can you get curious about how you feel when you set a boundary? Can you love yourself in that moment?

• How is it actually in others' best interests for you to set a boundary? Where is it best for you?

If you would like investigate the effect of boundaries on your professional or personal life you might do some or all of the following:

• Journal on the questions above and create some of your own questions about boundaries.

• Investigate Brené Brown and other psycho-spiritual writers on the topic of boundaries

• Observe others who set and maintain strong boundaries. What do their lives look like?

• Work with a therapist or coach to identify how setting and maintaining boundaries might feel and/or benefit your personal and professional relationships.

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