Compassion: A Conscious Educator's Secret Weapon

Have you ever been accused of being "tough", "tyrannical", "authoritarian", or "harsh"? I certainly have: sometimes these comments have been justified, and other times they have come from people with weak boundaries who perceive others' boundaries as an assault.

In the times I've felt that these characterizations of my behavior must be justified (obviously after my initial protests - who? moi? - and some deep reflection), it's become clear to me that I wasn't working from a place of compassion.

Noted compassion researcher and advocate Kristen Neff defines compassion this way on her website selfcompassion.org:

First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering…Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others’ suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to “suffer with”). When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience. “There but for fortune go I.”

This recognition of humanity, the expectation of a lack of perfection, this desire to attend to another's needs is a powerful agent for transformation.

The Big Secret: Start By Extending Yourself Some Grace

The secret about compassion, as the name of Neff's website lets slip, is that compassion really begins with self-compassion.

I used to think that "love yourself first" was some sort of women's magazine claptrap or a directive to treat ourselves to more massages. But self-love and self-care are really about self-compassion and meeting our own psychological needs...only in this way will be fully able to build a strong foundation from which to serve and love others.

The truth is, we're going to f^&* up: as teachers, as colleagues, as leaders, and in our personal lives, too. We just are. No one (no, not even you or that person you envy) is perfect. What matters most is how we treat ourselves and each other when the inevitable mistakes are made.

This doesn't mean we give ourselves or others a free pass to overstep boundaries, react badly, not follow instructions, or break the rules. Rather, we operate from an understanding that everyone is dealing with their own complex set of circumstances and extend a little grace where and when we can.

We might, for example, have relaxed our deadline a little policy during the first confusing, fraught days of remote schooling when COVID-19 hit in March 2020. We might mindfully notice our judgment of a colleague who never seems to do their fair share of the work and note that she has a small child who is ill. We might let ourselves off the hook a little for a proofreading error at a particularly difficult time in the academic calendar.

So What?

If you think there are places where you might be able to soften and practice some compassion, you might consider the following:

• When am I harshly judging others? What part of their behavior do I see in myself? Am I really judging myself for similar behaviors?

• How does it affect my relationships with others when I lack compassion in my interactions?

• What are my beliefs about people who are compassionate? Are these beliefs true?

• How does it feel when others treat me with compassion?

• What fears keep me from being compassionate toward myself? What fears keep me from being compassionate toward others?

• What might I gain from being more compassionate toward myself? What might I gain from being compassionate toward others?

• What would self-compassionate look like for me? Where do I feel comfortable extending myself some grace?

• Where might I offer compassion to others in my life?

You might consider taking some or all of the following actions:

• Write down your answers to the questions above.

• Talk this over with a trusted colleague, friend, coach or therapist.

• Read more about the role and transformative power of compassion and self-compassion.

• Find one small area in which you can extend compassion to yourself or another person this week - notice how it feels and what results.

I'm glad you read this today. I'm here to help.

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