Compassion in Action: On F***ing Up

Two years ago, I broke a confidence.

Without getting into the gory details, in a confidential setting, I learned that a fellow educator was doing something that I thought was creative and well-intentioned, but ultimately possibly damaging to student learning and empowerment, as well as a potential path to burnout for faculty. And I texted a friend to share my concerns...and that friend told someone else...and that person told someone...and then the whole thing ended up in a department-wide email chain of accusation, demands, and outrage about all sorts of issues and emotions and personal relationships apart from the original educational choice under question.

As first, I felt guilty and embarrassed at my unprofessional slip. I also felt angry, disappointed, and frustrated with the response of my colleagues, many of whom were using this situation as a proxy for many other grievances. I felt sick to my stomach and very, very triggered. This was a huge test of my developing skills as a conscious educator, to say the least.

So, what do we do when we inevitably f**k up? And we will f**k up...because we are human.

First, we employ mindfulness, so that we can choose how to respond, rather than react, to the situation. My first emotional reactions to my screw up were physical, intense, and mostly directed at others. Unfortunately, this reaction lasted days, rather than minutes or hours. But when I got a little perspective by talking it through, breathing slowly, and creating distance from the situation, I was able to center myself in my values and intentions, which helped me choose how I wanted to respond.

Second, we practice self-compassion and remind ourselves that everyone makes mistakes. We are all learning and growing, and sometimes we stumble along the way. With some perspective, I was able to see that I was actually frustrated and disappointed with myself more than I was with others. There were points in this situation when I could have made different choices that would have led to a different outcome. But I remembered that I'm human; I saw that I broke the confidence in an ego-driven bid to create connection and because I wanted to talk through my conflicting thoughts about the educational strategies. I also saw that others were reacting from their own personal experiences and perspectives, that their egos were also simply trying to protect them. This allowed me to be kinder to myself and others, and put up appropriate boundaries for how I would deal with the situation.

Third, we take accountability for our actions. In my case, I did my best to apologize to the person and group whose confidence I had broken. I acknowledged the harm that I had caused and committed to doing better in the future. Taking accountability is an important step in the process of repairing relationships and rebuilding trust.

Finally, we learn from our mistakes. I used this experience as an opportunity to reflect on my values, my boundaries, and my communication skills. I identified areas where I needed to grow and develop, and I made a plan for how to do so. I also learned the importance of having clear agreements and boundaries in confidential settings, and of respecting the privacy of others.

Making mistakes is a natural part of being human, and as educators, we are not immune to this reality. When we do make mistakes, it's important to practice self-compassion, take accountability for our actions, and learn from our experiences.

By doing so, we model for our students and colleagues the importance of vulnerability, growth, and resilience. As we navigate the complexities and challenges of our roles as educators, we must remember that we are all on a journey of learning and growth, and that mistakes are a necessary part of that journey.

Are you hard on yourself when you make a mistake? Let me know if you would like to talk it through.

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